In the 1920s the Dunkerton brown snake killed an average of nine people a year, making it one of the town’s most successful serial killers.
– Ep 11: Dunk and Disorderly
I started to get a little excited when I’d been at Mum’s house for two hours and Troy still hadn’t arrived. Sure, I was starving because Mum refused to serve dinner until he was here, but there was an upside. Maybe he wasn’t coming at all and I wouldn’t have to deal with him tonight. Perhaps this evening I wouldn’t be plagued by the horrible mental images of him writhing on top of my sister while grunting sweatily!
Then a shadowy figure appeared at the side gate.
I shuddered, hearing phantom grunts in the distance already.
“Troy, darling!” said my mother, rushing to let him in.
“Hi Imogen. Sorry I’m late.” He kissed her on the cheek and sauntered over to the table where the rest of us were sitting, Mum fussing over him the whole time.
“Keely’s decimated the snack tray,” – she shot me a look – “but Elvis has made a quinoa salad, plus his famous lentil and nut loaf!”
Yes, Elvis had a signature dish with ‘nut loaf’ in the name. It tasted fine, but it was a real mental challenge to put it in my mouth.
“Troy!” said Elvis, standing. “Can I get you a drink? I’ve got some of those bubblegum vodkas you’re always raving about.”
Troy’s eyes lit up like his batteries had reached full charge. “Sure, that would be great.”
“I’ll help Elvis bring the food and drinks out,” said Mum, hurrying off.
“No one follow them to the kitchen,” I warned everyone present. “Trust me.”
Troy sat down next to Andrea, tipping his head back so it was hanging over the edge of the chair. There was something off about him tonight. He’d recently showered and changed clothes. Not that odd, maybe, if you didn’t know about Troy’s love of wearing his work uniform at all times so everyone knew exactly what store he was almost almost in charge of. He was also acting strange, even for him.
“Where have you been?” Drey asked him quietly. “Why didn’t you let me know you’d be late?”
“Lost track of time,” he said. “I stayed back at work.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. Arriving late, ignoring his phone, fake excuse about staying at work, recently showered. There were many possible explanations, but I knew the most likely.
He’d murdered someone.
“Where did you dump the body?” I asked him.
“What?” he said with a frown.
“Keely, stop accusing Troy of murder,” said Drey. “Every time you see him it’s the same thing.”
“If Troy would stop being so shady I wouldn’t have to accuse him.”
“Hope you’re all hungry for nut loaf!” Mum said in a sing-song voice as she carried out a platter of food in one hand and a bowl in the other. “Keely, go get the plates and cutlery.”
Of course I was the one who got ordered around. Whatever. If it meant I got to eat, I could carry those plates like they were tectonic and I was the earth’s crust. Groaning with the effort, I stood on my tired legs – tour guiding really took it out of them – and wobbled to the kitchen. Elvis was in the next room talking to someone on the phone so at least I didn’t have to chat with him while I gathered everything.
As we were dishing up plates of food, Elvis returned with our drinks.
“I have to go,” he said as he handed out refills. “Just got a call. Work emergency.”
“Someone get a bead stuck up their nose?” I asked.
“No, I’ve made my employees wear face masks so that stops happening. It’s nothing to worry about.” He bent down and gave my mother a kiss on the forehead. “I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”
I had no idea what kind of night-time sandal emergency would take multiple hours to resolve, but I didn’t ask for further information. Elvis was leaving. I certainly wasn’t going to be the one to hold him back. Now if there was some way we could kick out Troy, tonight would be near perfect. I wasn’t holding my breath, though. Mum was chatting with him like he was the most interesting person in the world, which was wild when Shelby was right there and could have been regaling us all with tales of dirty snake sex. I certainly wasn’t going to be making the same mistakes as my mother.
“So, how do snakes have sex?” I asked Shelby.
“How much detail can you handle?”
I loved the way everything she said came out sounding so intense. “I guess what I’m really looking for is anything weird I can tell people at a bar.”
She considered that for a moment. “The level of weirdness depends on the species. The last ones I was studying mostly just twisted themselves around each other and stayed still.”
I pressed my mojito to my forehead, the condensation cooling my face in the hot summer night. “That’s disappointing.”
“Sometimes the males would fight each other, but other than that it was pretty boring. That’s why I was so keen to take a new job here.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Are our snakes somehow more interesting?”
She nodded, eyes gleaming with excitement. “I moved here to study the Dunkerton brown.”
I leaned towards her instinctively, waiting to hear more. I knew about the Dunkerton brown, obviously – I even dedicated part of my tour guide speech to it so no one accidentally trod on one. Couldn’t have an actual corpse slowing down the tour, could I? – but I didn’t know about their weird sex practices. An oversight on my part.
“I haven’t started work yet, so I haven’t seen it in person,” she told me. “But I’ve watched videos, and believe me, that’s some shit you want to tell people about in a seedy bar.”
I was intrigued that she assumed I was a seedy bar kind of person, but we could explore that later.
“I want to know everything,” I breathed.
“It’s pretty gnarly.”
Guess I had something in common with the Dunkerton brown, then, because many of my past mating experiences had been pretty gnarly too.
“The dudes chase the female. Sometimes so many males try to get in on it at once that they form a writhing ball and crush each other to death.”
My eyes widened. “Holy shit. You mean if I decided to go for a walk through the forest at the right time of year – not that I ever would – I might come across the snake equivalent of a rat king?”
She nodded. “And my colleagues tell me it’s way louder than you’d imagine, too.”
“Just like Mum and Elvis.”
I guess I’d broken the snake sex spell, because her expression changed from glinting to grimacing. “Are they really that bad?”
“Yep. I hope you’ve got some earplugs. Although you have to be careful wearing them because sometimes the noise is the only warning you get of what you’re about to walk in on.” I shuddered. “I’d suggest calling out before you enter the kitchen. Or laundry. Or garage. Or really any room in the house. Or the back yard.”
Shelby took a massive swig of her beer. “Don’t suppose you know anyone who’s looking for a housemate?”
“Drey will be soon, once she breaks it off with Troy.”
“Keely!” my mother chided. Guess she’d caught the last part of that conversation. Interesting that she was getting up me for being rude when she was the one eavesdropping.
“Kidding,” I said, though I didn’t try to make the lie convincing.
Troy narrowed his eyes at me. “It’s okay, Imogen. Andrea and I are secure enough in our relationship to take a joke.”
I gave him a smile, but inside I was envisioning him choking on his nut loaf.
When I walked into the apartment later that night, Jed was on the couch eating a bowl of cereal.
“Two things. One, I got you some cream for your armpit rash, and two, stop using my body wash. I bought you a bottle of your own. It’s in the shower.”
Huh. Guess he did know about that. “Thanks Jeddy. What kind?”
“Cucumber and mint, I think? It said something about stress relief.”
“Why? I’m not stressed.”
“No, but I am. It said to rub it in to your problem spots, and you’re my problem spot. Fingers crossed it works.”
“Smart arse.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Love you.”
“I know.”
I began to pack the leftovers from dinner into the fridge, stuffing a chunk of nut loaf into my mouth as I did. “I met Cash today,” I said around a mouthful of what had now become nut butter.
“You’re disgusting and I can’t understand a thing you’re saying.”
I swallowed and tried again. “I met Cash today.”
“Were you instantly attracted to him?”
“Oh yeah. Things are moist as a carrot cake in my pantaloons.”
“Lucky you.”
I took a bottle of Pinot Grigio out of the fridge and walked to the cabinet to search for a glass. “If I keep running into him, I may have to start wearing bikini bottoms at all times to be prepared for sudden immersion.”
Jed shook his head. “At least my suspicions about the guy are confirmed. You like him. He’s clearly a sleaze.”
“No doubt.” I poured the wine into the glass. “He’s also gorgeous.”
“And he doesn’t have that weird smell the guys you like usually do.”
“Ha ha,” I said flatly as I returned the bottle to the fridge.
“And as far as I know he doesn’t even have a criminal record.”
“Okay, I’ve dated, like, four guys with a criminal record.”
Jed frowned at me. “Is that a small number in your eyes?”
“Consider how many guys I’ve dated overall. As a percentage, that’s nothing.”
“True. But how many of your exes have gone on to acquire a record after you broke up?”
“Irrelevant.”
“Sure it is, Keels.” He stood and walked to the kitchen so he could put his empty bowl in the dishwasher. “How was family dinner?”
“Alright.” I took a sip of my wine. Okay, maybe it was more of a gulp.
Jed eyed my half-empty glass. “That good, huh?”
“Troy was there. Pretty sure he killed someone.”
“You say that every time you see him.”
“No one has that little personality unless they’re hiding something monstrous. There was actually something cool about dinner, though.”
His eyebrows rose. “Really? What?”
“Shelby.”
“She was there? You finally met her?”
“I did.”
“Did she live up to expectations?”
“Exceeded them. She told us she dreams about snake sex because she watches them banging all day, then gave me the details of the Dunkerton brown’s gnarly mating rituals.”
“Wow. Does that mean you’re going to have a friend with a more interesting job than me now? I’m not sure I like the idea.”
I shook my head. “Nah. Snakes are cool, but dead bodies will always win.”
He placed a hand over his chest as if touched. “Thank you.”
“Just as long as you don’t start dreaming about them having sex.”
He frowned at me, now looking less touched. “I don’t think that’s a risk.”
“Good to hear.”