Can you believe it? We’ve made it to the end of the date!
Standard reminder that you shouldn’t read Date Night unless you’ve finished Breaking News or you’re going to get smacked in the face with spoilers.
Table of Contents:
- Frustrated
- Very Educational
- Dingle
- Pinecone
- Genetic Material
- Sex Energy
- Thinking Out Loud
- Damp Is Sexy
- Evidence Of Vampirism
- Snackster
- A Lick In The Dark
- Armpit
- Stay Vigilant
- No Sense of Shame (FINAL CHAPTER)
CHAPTER FOURTEEN: No Sense Of Shame
I needed bleach for my eyeballs. Or some sort of eyeball-friendly bleach equivalent.
Poor Topher and Will looked extra green at the disgusting hetero stuff taking place on the big screen. There were boobs everywhere.
Paulette’s boobs.
Yes. Her personal boobs.
She was playing her own sex tape in front of a room of people. And the guy starring in it with her? Not her husband.
“You better be joking about this being worth the recommended ticket price,” I said to Adam. “If you’re actually checking out Paulette, I’m not going to cope.”
“Don’t worry. I’m checking out the guy.” I narrowed my eyes at him and he nodded at the screen. “Look.”
“He’s not my type.”
“How do you know without looking at him?”
“You’re my only type. Like how I’m your only type. Right?” I paused, but he didn’t respond. “Right?”
“Yes, Charlotte Regina. Now look at the guy so you know what I’m talking about.”
Satisfied, I did what he said. “Oh! It’s the vampire from last night.”
“He’s not a vampire. He was drinking red wine.”
“How would you know it wasn’t blood? It’s not like you tasted it.”
“Yes, because that is the only way to tell if something’s blood or not. By taste test.”
“I’m confused.”
“That was sarcasm.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “I’m not confused by you, except occasionally by why I like you. I mean I’m confused about why Paulette is playing her own sex tape for us all. Is today’s session on swinging or something? Because I don’t remember seeing that on the website. If I had, I wouldn’t have brought you along. I don’t want you to think I’m trying to subtly suggest something.”
“You don’t want to share me? I never would have predicted.”
“Why are they doing this to me?” Topher groaned, sounding like he was a few moments away from vomiting.
“Based on the the look on Ted’s face, I don’t think he’s in on it,” Adam replied.
I dragged my eyes away from the horror show on screen to see Ted staring at it with his mouth open. Nope. Didn’t look like he’d been informed of the content of Paulette’s presentation.
“My brother?” Ted spat when he recovered from his initial shock. “You fucked my brother?”
“And his wife!” Paulette told him with glee.
“And they had the nerve to act like our life-coach-goat-wrangler situation was weird,” I muttered. “Paulette’s sleeping with her vampire brother-in-law and his zombie bride.”
“A zombie?” Adam raised an eyebrow. “Where did that come from?”
“I’m taking some creative liberties,” I admitted.
Up on the stage, Paulette addressed the audience at large. “The conference is cancelled. Ted is a horrible husband and knows nothing about how to treat women. His brother and sister-in-law are the ones who should be teaching this conference, not him. We’re getting a divorce.”
“Shouldn’t we discuss this?” Ted hissed. “In private?”
“They’re all watching my sex tape, Ted. ‘Private’ no longer exists.”
She had a point.
“I don’t understand why we’re being dragged into this,” said Will. “I don’t want to watch this tape. Why is she playing this in public? I didn’t sign up for this.”
“She’s totally ruined our plans for today, too,” I said. “She outed herself as a scammer. No need for us to do anything now. We should have stayed in bed.”
“Agreed,” said Will and Topher in unison.
“You don’t think you’d feel a little left out if you missed this?” Adam asked me. “I think you would have been secretly disappointed.”
“Maybe a tiny bit. Mostly because I don’t think I’d have believed it without seeing it myself.”
“Exactly.” Adam cocked his head to the side. “That’s the shirt she threw out last night, so I guess this was filmed upstairs.”
“I told you this hotel had weird sex energy.”
“I’ll never doubt you again.”
“I choose to believe that’s not sarcasm.”
“You should know better.”
“Shut up.”
“She probably threw out the shirt so that Ted wouldn’t find out about the affair early and ruin her dramatic reveal. I suppose she wanted to make a spectacle to ruin him.” Adam shrugged. “It’s going to work. You should send a photo of this to your friends. Maybe if they realise what a massive failure this was, they’ll stop trying to meddle in your love life.”
“I doubt it. This is but a minor setback to them.”
“You could just tell them why you and James broke up.”
“I will. One day. When I’m wearing a full suit of armour.”
He nodded. “I’ll get you one of those, then.”
“It’s not like we can tell people yet anyway, unless you want to lose your job.”
“I know, but we can’t sneak around forever.”
I shrugged. “We can for a little while, though. Until a respectable time amount of time has passed since James and I ended things.”
“Or until after he and Autumn get it on.”
“Or that.”
Paulette was once again addressing her adoring public. Oh, sorry, I mean heavily gagging public.
“Any questions?”
I called out mine. “You don’t think your, uh, costar will mind you screening your performance to a room of strangers like this?”
Paulette shook her head. “I had him sign a release form.”
Never had that term been more accurate.
“Do you think maybe you could turn it off now?” I asked.
“No.”
OK, she might have outed herself and soon-to-be-ex husband as scammers, but I still didn’t like the woman.
“I can’t believe she’s so relaxed about this,” Adam muttered when Paulette moved on to answer another audience question. “I don’t think I’d cope with a leaked sex tape, and I definitely wouldn’t leak one myself. It might actually be my worst nightmare.”
“Do you have sex tapes that could leak?”
“God no. My ego’s too fragile to film one. What if I don’t look good in the video?” He shook his head. “Not worth the risk.”
I smirked. “At least if you had a tape leak you could just say it’s Eli in the footage. You know he’d go along with it.”
Adam nodded. “It is handy having a twin with no sense of shame.”
“Speaking of no sense of shame, do you think we should leave Paulette and Ted to it? I mean, there’s no reason for us to be here since she ruined our plan, and I’m getting sea sick from all the wobbling on the screen.”
“Yeah, I think it’s time to go,” said Adam. “Not least because your brother looks like he’s on the verge of passing out.”
Then Adam helped a rather shaky Topher to the door of the conference room and even patted his back while he vomited in a pot plant in the lobby. Maybe one day they’d become buddies after all.
The End.
Copyright © 2021 by Clare Kauter
All rights reserved.