Thank you so much for joining me for another date night! Grab your glass of wine/cup of tea/bottle of kombucha (no judgment) and settle in.
REMINDER: if you haven’t read Breaking News (Charlie Davies Book 11), don’t read this Date Night story! (Unless you don’t mind big spoilers.)
Table of Contents:
- Frustrated
- Very Educational
- Dingle
- Pinecone
- Genetic Material
- Sex Energy
- Thinking Out Loud
- Damp Is Sexy
- Evidence Of Vampirism
- Snackster
- A Lick In The Dark
- Armpit
- Stay Vigilant
- No Sense of Shame (FINAL CHAPTER)
CHAPTER FOUR: Pinecone
“You’re going to have such an easy time filling out these questionnaires,” I told Will when he returned from the bar, cheeks looking a little pink. I think he was embarrassed to be seen here. As he should be. “You can just answer ‘the man’ for ninety percent of them and be done.”
“What’s the question – ‘Who are we sticking it to?’”
Topher was flicking through the booklet and looking steadily more horrified. “I think we should leave now. Get out while we still can.”
“Did you guys not do any research at all before deciding to come here?” I asked. “The hosts aren’t going to be able to help you. They aren’t going to be able to help anyone. They hate each other. Frankly I’d be surprised if one of them didn’t end up murdering the other by the end of the seminar.”
“Most people aren’t as free and easy with their murdering as you,” Topher replied.
That seemed a little unfair seeing as I’d only ever stabbed people in self-defence and so far as I knew only one of them had died, but I wasn’t able to reply because we were interrupted by a far-too-enthusiastic cheer from the people around us as the celebrity marriage counsellors walked into the room. Seriously. Apparently people actually liked Paulette and Ted. Either that or they were really committing to the ironic enthusiasm thing. Worryingly, I suspected it was the former.
A hush fell over the other conference guests in the bar as the hosts climbed awkwardly onto a small stage I think was meant for live musicians but judging by the dust was rarely used. If they were people with actual fans, why were they throwing a conference in a shitty hotel like this? The Budget Boudoir could only be bad for relationships. Although, having said that, the more expensive rooms weren’t that bad. Such as the room I was sharing with Adam tonight. Which looked like it could be very good for relationships…
I took a huge gulp of cider to cool off, and half of it went down the wrong way. I coughed and choked and honked so loudly that the whole room turned to look at me, but ultimately I didn’t die so I’m claiming that as a success.
“You doing alright there, Wanda?” Ted asked me, talking into the microphone.
“Just a little too excited, Ted!” I replied, cheesy grin plastered on my face.
“Wanda?” Topher asked under his breath.
“I’ll explain later,” I told him through my teeth, smile still affixed.
“Oh god,” he groaned. “We’ve made such a big mistake.”
“Make sure you’re taking care of her, Rick!” Ted called.
Adam raised his beer and nodded.
“And he’s Rick,” said Topher. “Of course he is.”
“Just go with,” I told him. “Have some fun. Maybe you can invent your own backstory.”
Ted and Paulette spoke at the front of the room for what felt like forty minutes about love and their relationship and how much they wanted to murder each other (although that last bit was mostly subtext). Eventually they finished the introduction to the weekend or whatever – I got distracted with wanting another cider about a minute in and didn’t pay attention after that. But anyway, they dismounted the stage in a way that made me feel like even I could have done it more gracefully and walked our way. Sucked in, real fans. Rick and Wanda were the Spinks’s favourites.
“Rick and Wanda! It’s so great to meet you! I’m Paulette. Ted’s just been telling me what big fans you are and what you’re hoping to get out of –”
“Why don’t you let me chat here while you go get us some drinks, hon?” Ted said, cutting her off in a way that, had he done it to me, would have led to me doing some cutting off of my own. With secateurs.
“Of course, Ted,” said Paulette, her smile stretched so tight it looked like her teeth might burst through her lips at any moment.
OK, if that was the example of repressed womanhood I was supposed to aspire towards, this weekend might not have been the best idea for an opinionated lass like myself.
“Who are your friends?” Ted asked Adam as his wife shuffled off plotting to put hemlock in his daiquiri.
Toph jumped in before Adam had the chance to respond. “I’m Wanda’s life coach,” he said, shaking Ted’s hand.
“You’re Pinecone?” Ted asked, frowning slightly.
Oh shit. My heart rate spiked as I realised what had just happened. Ted had already heard certain stories about my life coach. Certain stories that were now filling my entire body with horror. Yes, my entire body. Even my toe hairs were cringing.
Topher looked sideways at me. “Uh, yes. That’s me. Wanda’s life coach, Pinecone.”
I did my best to keep my expression neutral, but what I really wanted to do was take Topher by the shoulders and shake him. No! Abort mission! Abort!
Ted turned to me, brow so furrowed it gave the Grand Canyon a run for its money. “You brought your life coach – with whom you’ve been having an affair – to a marriage conference?”
“I wouldn’t call it an affair,” I countered, already wanting to vomit at the thought of pretending Topher was my – yech!
“I would,” said Adam, the arsehole.
“As would I, based on your description,” said Ted. “And yet you brought him along with you. An interesting decision.”
“Wanda and I want to lay all our issues out on the table. We can’t really heal unless we go all in on this experience. That’s what you guys always say, right?”
I thought it was bold of Adam to claim that he knew what these people always said after watching one three minute promotional clip of Paulette and Ted, but I guess he was right because Ted seemed very impressed.
“I’m very impressed.” (See?) “You’re clearly committed to personal growth, Rick. I hope Wanda is as committed as you.”
My first instinct was to get incredibly cranky and show Rick how committed I could be to making him suffer, but it still seemed a little early on in the weekend for that. I didn’t want to get us kicked out of the hotel on our first date night. Even if it now seemed that we’d be spending that date night pretending my brother was my other lover. I looked for a nearby pot plant I could throw up in instead.
“And you’re fine with this, Pinecone?” Ted asked Topher. “Discussing your trysts with Wanda in a public forum?”
Topher’s eyes were wide. He was clearly about as happy with this as I was. “Yep. Totally fine. Me. Pinecone. Her sex coach. Doing things with Wanda and telling you all about them.” He swallowed. “That idea doesn’t repulse me on every level.”
Ted turned to Will. “And I suppose you must be the German goatherd.”
Will’s eyebrows rose a little, but he nodded. “Ja.”
“I look forward to working with you all. This is going to be an interesting and productive weekend, I’m sure.”
“Thanks Ted,” I said, my voice high and too loud.
Finally he walked away. I glared at Adam while he laughed at me.
“You guys!” said Will. “I wanted to take this seriously and instead I’m stuck pretending I’m a Bavarian goat salesman!”
“Goatherd,” Adam and I corrected him, because obviously that was the important thing.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen either!” said Topher. “Charlie told me to have fun and I just thought I’d throw in some silly detail. I didn’t mean for things to go so badly wrong. Blame her!”
“It wasn’t my fault!” I hissed. “Why did you pretend to be my life coach without checking what backstory Adam and I had already crafted?”
“I guess I should have predicted you’d have a life coach named Pinecone who you’ve been doing gross hetero things with.” Toph shuddered. “Disgusting.”
“Be honest though, Will,” I said. “After seeing Ted’s relationship –”
“I’m going to do the exact opposite of every piece of advice he gives, obviously.” Will sighed. “This whole thing is kind of a let down.”
“You’ve just got to lean in to it,” I said.
“Yeah. Like how Pinecone and Wanda are leaning into their backstories,” said Adam.
“Fuck you,” Topher and I replied in unison, although that did seem to cheer Will up a little.
“What do we do now?” asked Will. “It says ‘mingle’ on the schedule.”
“Ew,” I said.
“Agreed.”
“We could hang out in our room and get room service?” I suggested. “There’s plenty of room for all of us.”
“That does sound like it could be fun…” said Topher.
“And Adam’s paying.”
“We’re there.”
Copyright © 2021 by Clare Kauter
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